Get Rid of the Pigeons

A letter to my real estate agent. I can live with bees. I can kill and control the cockroaches.  The lizards everywhere are kinda cute, but they do shit all over the place.  The biggest issue in regards to the animal life in or above my apartment is the pigeons. They have to go.  I paid a lot of money up front for this place when I moved in, so they have the resources to deal with it...  I don't have the slightest clue how to ask in their language for this, so I wrote a letter to my rental agent. Note the simplified syntax and vocabulary; this is how I write to non-native-English-speakers.

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Dear Nwe Zin,

Most things are very good here at the apartment you helped me find. I am thankful to you for finding this place for me. I like it very much.

There were a couple things that they asked me after I moved in that were a surprise. The control for the water tank for the whole building is in my apartment. Every morning, I have to remember to turn on the switch, let it go until it begins to overflow on my balcony, and then remember to switch it off. Sometimes, I won't remember to switch it off, and will go out with the water pump still on, making a small flood in the building. Before I moved in, I didn't expect to have to be the master of the water supply. It isn't a lot of work, but it is still work. They are making me do something to keep the building going. Tonight, I gave a key to Ton Ton so he can get into my place in case I forget to turn on or off the water. I have given up the complete privacy of my apartment. That is asking something of me to give up my key like that.

So, they are asking me to do things. I can do them, but I need them to do something for me in return.

There is something important I want you to ask Pyew pyew and Ton Ton on my behalf that needs to be fixed here. The pigeons. The pigeons need to go. I think pigeons are nice birds. They're beautiful animals. I will feed then when I can. That said, there are what sounds like 30 or 40 of them living in the space between my ceiling and the building's roof.

They're noisy. That's okay, I can handle the noise. It's kind of annoying, but I can live with it. The problem is that they go poop. They shit. I can see it everyday in this fine, gray dust that settles on my floor in certain places which has fallen from the ceiling up above. I know what it is, and I can't live with it. It is pigeon shit powder, and it will likely only get worse once the rainy season starts.

Thing is, Pigeon shit is very unhealthy for people. Even if you sweep it up, you breath it into your lungs every day and it's very bad. Over time, it can kill a person. Bird poo, when it dries and gets into the air can cause many different diseases.  I need you to stress this with Pyew Pyew.  That is what is important.  The bird poo is a health issue!  I'm sure she doesn't want for me to get sick because I live in her building. I already have a chronic bronchitis condition; my lungs are not that healthy to start with. I can't go a year with 40 pigeons shitting over my head and having that poison slowly get into my apartment.

I need you to tell Pyew Pyew to hire someone to get rid of the pigeons. Not kill them, just make them go away, and then put screens up so that they can't come back. If they build a little separate pigeon house for them on the roof for them to live in that isn't inside the building, that would be wonderful. Again, please tell them I don't want the pigeons killed. They just can't be living and pooping over my head.

Thank you very much and let me know how it goes.

Joko

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So, we will see what comes of my pigeon removal request.  I am serious about it though.  I don't want flying rats shitting over my head, separated by the filmiest of screens for the next year.